Life hasn't been great for me. I could say this year is probably one of those worst years. Why ? You see, this year is one of the years I take my major exams. The exam that is going to determine whether I am capable to move on to college and if I don't do well... I don't even want to say what is going to happen. I feel so pressured and so tired everyday. The problem is, I am slacking off more than usual. I need to start studying more but I have not enough willpower.
There was a period of time when I was 15 years old, when I went through one of those major exams and my emotional wasn't all that good. I got really depressed and insecure. I started beating myself up for not doing well like another people and then I started comparing myself with people. (Mostly of the comparing, ends up with me being the worst one because I always pick out my worse traits and pull out people's best traits.) Everyday that year was a emotional wreck for me. I couldn't go one day without hating myself. And I hated myself more and more everyday.
After the major exam, I tried crawling my way out of the depression and I was doing quite well. I wasn't too depressed the next year and reduce thinking badly of myself. Well, surprise surprise, it is back.
Yeap. The feels are back to haunt me. Additionally, one of my teachers has a knack on stabbing your self-esteem with words and making you feel more shitty about yourself.
I think it came back when my friend decided to ignore me. Her excuse ? (based on my friend who is mutual friend of us.) I complained too much. Yes, I do complained sometimes but I like to think that I reduced my rants. I do consider her a very good friend of mine and I really valued my friendship so that really hurt me emotionally. She is also an all-rounder, which makes worse because now, all I do is look at her and compare myself with her. ( Obviously, she IS better than me. )
Friends give me advises but sometimes I don't take them and they complained about it. But but for someone as indecisive as I am , it is hard for me to make a decision whether I should use this advice or that. Yes, advises are good and yes, we should take them if it is good for us. I really want to take their advises but I can't immediately do it. I am not acting superior or what not. It is just that, just because someone tells you to stop worrying about it or stop worrying about so many things, will you automatically stop worrying ? It takes time. It takes effort to stop something that you are used to it but bad for you. I am trying. I really hope I am slowly conquering the weakness in me.... ( I do hope I make sense. )
My midterm examination isn't really good and I am beating myself over it. So everyday my mind is consumed with monsters scratching on the barrier I put up on the depressing thoughts.
How am I suppose to overcome this ? I feel so tired of life. I know I should be optimistic about things but how can I when everyone around me is having awesome luck but me ?
I am going to stop here before I started writing out more depressing sentences. Tomorrow when I am feeling less depressed (hopefully) I will probably post about some movies I watched and so on. Depending on my mood. Hahaha.
Wish me luck in life.
-Taken from Disney Style blog. Check them out. They are pretty awesome.
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