She was born lucky, I was lucky to be born.

Hi. I am just going to start the post with saying that I am not sure how long or short this post will be as I am just winging it.

But anyway, I am feeling depressed right now so the best thing I can do now is convey my sadness into words. So let's get on with it, shall we ?

I got back my some of my midterm exam results and I am  so so so disappointed with my marks. I mean I shouldn't even be disappointed as I didn't really work that hard for this exam. Yet, the feeling is there. It is always be there. The feeling of feeling worthless and pathetic will always be there. Consuming me. One of the main reasons of my sadness is mainly because of that.

Though I hope I can walk out of this, stronger. (I doubt it but trying is better right? )

I have been thinking a lot about the line from Avatar: The Last Airbender "She was born lucky, I was lucky to be born." by Zuko.

I mean, everyone around me is either smart or have some sort of talent and I have nothing. They get to do so many things and excel in so many things. But there is me, trying but always failing. Even though I know I shouldn't think that way as sometimes we don't know what is going on with other people's lives but sometimes you just kinda breakdown and let the green-eyed monster control you.

I know. I know. I shouldn't think like that. So yeah, I am trying my best to not self-pity.

I probably pissed and annoyed a lot of people off with these words. So I will stop. Ciao.

Captain America : Winter Soldier and Divergent.

Hello. This post has been long overdue. Yikes. But as my previous post, I have mentioned that I am not exactly in a good place right now so my apologizes.. again..

Okay.... First of all, there is a movie I watched last month and yes, a little too late for a post about it but whatever right ? 

When I went into the cinema, I wasn't expecting much. I was not having some big expectation for the movie. I just wanted to check it out. And and I was thoroughly impressed by the movie. Falcon was not what I expected but it was a good kind of different I guess. The movie is filled with action and some humour though some of it is quite dry. It kept me on the edge of my seat at times and doesn't cause me to almost fall asleep so that is a good thing. 

The plot twist is kinda predictable but come on, in this generation ? Plot are either reused or remake. I personally think the actors and actresses did so well in the movie. A big thumbs up ! 

The last bonus scene made me scream in my seat cause I KNOW WHO THOSE CHARACTERS ARE AND LOVES THEM IN THE COMIC. Not gonna say anything about them because no spoiler for those who haven't watch it yet. 

Next movie I watched on that same exact day was Divergent. Since I watched Captain America before it, I was kinda bored with the lack of action in the movie. But to be honest, it is a good movie. Definitely not one of the best-book-to-movie adaptation but it is not the worst. (ahem ahem, looking at you, Percy Jackson.)

When I watched the trailer, I wasn't too sure on how Shailene Woodley was going to play out as Tris as the Tris I imagined is totally different from Shailene. Yet, as I watched on the movie, her acting really grow on me and by the end of the day, I was glad the chose Shailene Woodley to play Tris. A+ ! 

They didn't include some of the scene from the book and some characters which I all really wanted to see so that it is a disappointment I guess. Peter is portrayed as a snark asshole but not cruel enough as they didn't insert the scene where he stab Edward in the eye with a butter knife. I WAS HOPING TO SEE THAT SCENE. That is the scene that tells everyone, Peter is cruel little ass and not just a guy who bullies people with words. They also cut out Uriah which was sad as Uriah is this cheerful guy and I am sure he could have brought more ease to the movie. 

Though, the ending, they changed most of it to a happy ending which is depressing because if they are planning to make a second movie. How are they going to continue following the book ???

Anyway, those two movie are the last movies I watched in the cinema. I watched a few movies at home so yea maybe I talk about later on ? 

I stop here before my head falls on the keyboard because so so tired. Nights ! 

Isn't this great ?

Hello. I haven't update in a long while so I apologized for that to whoever that reads my blog ?

Life hasn't been great for me. I could say this year is probably one of those worst years. Why ? You see, this year is one of the years I take my major exams. The exam that is going to determine whether I am capable to move on to college and if I don't do well... I don't even want to say what is going to happen. I feel so pressured and so tired everyday. The problem is, I am slacking off more than usual. I need to start studying more but I have not enough willpower.

There was a period of time when I was 15 years old, when I went through one of those major exams and my emotional wasn't all that good. I got really depressed and insecure. I started beating myself up for not doing well like another people and then I started comparing myself with people. (Mostly of the comparing, ends up with me being the worst one because I always pick out my worse traits and pull out people's best traits.) Everyday that year was a emotional wreck for me. I couldn't go one day without hating myself. And I hated myself more and more everyday.

After the major exam, I tried crawling my way out of the depression and I was doing quite well. I wasn't too depressed the next year and reduce thinking badly of myself. Well, surprise surprise, it is back.

Yeap. The feels are back to haunt me. Additionally, one of my teachers has a knack on stabbing your self-esteem with words and making you feel more shitty about yourself.

I think it came back when my friend decided to ignore me. Her excuse ? (based on my friend who is mutual friend of us.) I complained too much. Yes, I do complained sometimes but I like to think that I reduced my rants.  I do consider her a very good friend of mine and I really valued my friendship so that really hurt me emotionally. She is also an all-rounder, which makes worse because now, all I do is look at her and compare myself with her. ( Obviously, she IS better than me. )

Friends give me advises but sometimes I don't take them and they complained about it. But but for someone as indecisive as I am , it is hard for me to make a decision whether I should use this advice or that. Yes, advises are good and yes, we should take them if it is good for us. I really want to take their advises but I can't immediately do it. I am not acting superior or what not. It is just that, just because someone tells you to stop worrying about it or stop worrying about so many things, will you automatically stop worrying ? It takes time. It takes effort to stop something that you are used to it but bad for you. I am trying. I really hope I am slowly conquering the weakness in me.... ( I do hope I make sense. )

My midterm examination isn't really good and I am beating myself over it. So everyday my mind is consumed with monsters scratching on the barrier I put up on the depressing thoughts.

How am I suppose to overcome this ? I feel so tired of life. I know I should be optimistic about things but how can I when everyone around me is having awesome luck but me ?

I am going to stop here before I started writing out more depressing sentences. Tomorrow when I am feeling less depressed (hopefully) I will probably post about some movies I watched and so on. Depending on my mood. Hahaha.

Wish me luck in life.

-Taken from Disney Style blog. Check them out. They are pretty awesome.