Insecurities

I don't know what brought me into talking about insecurities today. Maybe it is the depression in me today, maybe I just needed to try inverting my negative thoughts into something positive but anyhow I am here writing about it.

Being insecure is something I struggle with the most. Ever since I started actually being conscious about how I look, my grades, my ability to do stuff, insecure depressing thoughts always pop into my head without fail. Once that happens, I find myself comparing myself with other people and all these comparing stuff ends up with me being the stupid one or the ugly one or the untalented one. There will be times when I just stare at myself in the mirror and think of all the worst possible insults for myself. It is not something I proud of. (obviously)

I think one of the main reason why I am always insecure about myself is because I see everyone having a best friend they can hang out with/talk to or a group of friends who will always be there for them. I tend to think that my friends hang out with me because they feel like they need to. I can't honestly believe that they are friends with me because they genuinely wants to. I know it is unhealthy to think that way but I do. All the time and honestly, I feel like dying.

Just recently, I realize that I should stop being like this, stop being so negative about myself and just try to happy in my own way. It was going great for a few days and then shits happens and now the negativity is back into my life. Maybe it is back because this few days, I seen my friends just being so close on twitter and I am just in the sidelines being alone. Maybe it is because exam is coming and I see everyone studying but I have no willpower to actually study. Maybe because this few days, I spend my days and nights locked up in my room, being depressed and sometimes sitting on the bed, just staring at nothing thinking about bad things in my life. I know I shouldn't be like this, but sometimes you just think about it or do it without even yourself knowing.

I want to be happy. I am pretty sure everyone wants to be happy. But every time I try to be happy, it fails so badly. I know I shouldn't be complaining because some people has it worse but I just needed to get this out somewhere. I'm sorry.

I also know I said I will try not to talk so much about being depressed all the time. So I apologize for today's post is me being depressed old me. Maybe I should quit twitter for a few weeks since I think 60% of my insecurities comes from there. Yea, I should.

I remember Bernadine told me before that, maybe the reason why I tend to feel so alone is because I haven't find the right group of friends yet. Maybe I haven't found friends that I can talk to so well and that I can just have fun with them. Probably. Maybe in the future, I will find friends that are right for me (is that the right words to use ??? ) Just maybe. One can always hope right ?

I'm sorry because this post is just genuinely depressing and some people may find it annoying. I shall stop here and try to study before I fail all my tests. Bye ?