Insecurities

I don't know what brought me into talking about insecurities today. Maybe it is the depression in me today, maybe I just needed to try inverting my negative thoughts into something positive but anyhow I am here writing about it.

Being insecure is something I struggle with the most. Ever since I started actually being conscious about how I look, my grades, my ability to do stuff, insecure depressing thoughts always pop into my head without fail. Once that happens, I find myself comparing myself with other people and all these comparing stuff ends up with me being the stupid one or the ugly one or the untalented one. There will be times when I just stare at myself in the mirror and think of all the worst possible insults for myself. It is not something I proud of. (obviously)

I think one of the main reason why I am always insecure about myself is because I see everyone having a best friend they can hang out with/talk to or a group of friends who will always be there for them. I tend to think that my friends hang out with me because they feel like they need to. I can't honestly believe that they are friends with me because they genuinely wants to. I know it is unhealthy to think that way but I do. All the time and honestly, I feel like dying.

Just recently, I realize that I should stop being like this, stop being so negative about myself and just try to happy in my own way. It was going great for a few days and then shits happens and now the negativity is back into my life. Maybe it is back because this few days, I seen my friends just being so close on twitter and I am just in the sidelines being alone. Maybe it is because exam is coming and I see everyone studying but I have no willpower to actually study. Maybe because this few days, I spend my days and nights locked up in my room, being depressed and sometimes sitting on the bed, just staring at nothing thinking about bad things in my life. I know I shouldn't be like this, but sometimes you just think about it or do it without even yourself knowing.

I want to be happy. I am pretty sure everyone wants to be happy. But every time I try to be happy, it fails so badly. I know I shouldn't be complaining because some people has it worse but I just needed to get this out somewhere. I'm sorry.

I also know I said I will try not to talk so much about being depressed all the time. So I apologize for today's post is me being depressed old me. Maybe I should quit twitter for a few weeks since I think 60% of my insecurities comes from there. Yea, I should.

I remember Bernadine told me before that, maybe the reason why I tend to feel so alone is because I haven't find the right group of friends yet. Maybe I haven't found friends that I can talk to so well and that I can just have fun with them. Probably. Maybe in the future, I will find friends that are right for me (is that the right words to use ??? ) Just maybe. One can always hope right ?

I'm sorry because this post is just genuinely depressing and some people may find it annoying. I shall stop here and try to study before I fail all my tests. Bye ?

Something different today ?

I just noticed a few post back, I said that I will write a post about LoK and Beware the Batman, which I found embarrassing and hilarious because who am I to talk about it ? I am not someone very fancy or smart or something something (Forgot the word) so I am not entitled to talk about it at all. Embarrassingggggg and I'm sorry for saying that post.

Just a few hours ago, I went to Subang Parade with my family and they were having a guardian sale over there. Trying to dress/be more like my age, I decided to see the make up department. They were having incredible prices there and I couldn't help buying some. 

I am not some beauty expert, in fact I have no experience with make-up at all but I have been thinking of learning how to apply make-up. I mean I at least have to learn right ? So that when I am older, I won't struggle with it too much.The Urban Decay's Naked eye shadows palette is definitely on my wishlist because honestly, the colours are gorgeous and some of my favourite Youtubers have this palette and it looks GORGEOUS. I don't think I will look good in dramatic colours so I thought that palette would be nice. BUTTTT since I stay in Malaysia and the make-up here is expensive as sjkadfhfjkasdhf, the hope of owning one disappear. Therefore, I opted for a cheaper option to start my make-up journey.

 This is the SilkyGirl eye shadows palette (which doesn't have a name to it. ) The colours are pretty warm and simple. There was this lady who was looking for a black eyeshadow and she told me that black was a perfect blending colour. Taking her advice I got this :

This is just a grey silvery and a black colour so I thought it will be nice ? (Like I say I don't know much about make-up. ) It is the 07 Silver Star. 

Yeap. I got those two palettes. Like I said in this posts, I am not a make-up expert, just someone trying to learn how to apply make up so don't expect anything from me. I am really excited to how I am going to use this two palettes. Wish me luck in trying to learn stuffs about make-up ?? :/

My History book is beside me as I type this post and I should be studying but I am not. Those videos from Youtube is distracting me to no end. I am hoping I am able to go Coffee Bean or Starbucks tomorrow to study because studying at home is so distracting because Wi-Fi and laptop. 

I should stop here and sleep and wake up tomorrow with tons of energy to study.

I hope this post won't make people angry as I am just trying to show some of purchases that I made. I have this weird thing where I am super duper worry I may pissed some people of with my posts and that is what keeping me from writing most of the times. Which is weird because I am pretty sure nobody reads my blog. 

That's it. I will probably write something tomorrow. So, goodnight I guess ? 

A short notice

I won't be able to blog for a few weeks as my exam are very very near. If there is time, I will try to update it but right now I am just trying to catch up with all my syllabus.

My mood hasn't been all perky this few days so no posts. Sorry :( It is just hard for me right now. I know I shouldn't be complaining because other people has it worse but just generally being depressed for 4 days straight is not pleasant. The negative thoughts attacks me like they have nothing to do. So I apologize for not updating.

I will talk to you soon. Wish me luck that I won't give up on life.

Sleep-deprived.

School today was horrible. I found out something very hurtful and it kinda pisses me off too. Anyway, long story short, this immature asshole thought it would be fucking fun to create a club against me for no absolute reason. Yeah, maybe I shout too much but honestly I am trying not to anymore and to know what happen today hurts as hell. He even got one of my closest guy friend and one guy which I have never had a conversation at all to join. It's hurts, knowing someone stabs you in the back. What I really don't understand is that guy which I have never ever talk to before. I didn't offend him whatsoever, I didn't even talk to him nor did I scream at him so what the fuck is his fucking problem ?!

Most of my friends ask me to ignore that because for a 16 year olds guy to create this sort of shitty thing is fucking immature. It is fine to not act like your age sometimes, but using your childish antics to humiliate me, to make fun of me ? Is that how you want everyone to see you ? As this guy who will never act or think maturely ? Just thinking about him or looking at him makes me want to take a blunt knife and stab it through my trachea because his attitude absolutely disgusts me.

Honestly, what hurts the most about this is my friend who join his little kid club. This just disappoint me. This whole thing resulted me into thinking insecure thoughts again but Samantha kinda use her words of wisdom to help me feel better. This is just one of the days where everything is just overall screwing with me. I am so glad that my friends are there for me.

I am honestly trying my best to change into a better person, trying to break out of my tiny shell. Yet, how am I suppose to do so if people like that exist to make me feel worse about myself ? I guess that is just how society works.

Today's post will just mostly be rants. I don't even think anyone is reading this but it is nice to be able to write my feelings out somewhere. I didn't even get anything done because I am so depressed and sleep-deprived and just overall sick of life. I don't want to go school like really really don't want to but my parents won't let when I have no reason. Why can't I just get sick and not go to anywhere (school and tuitions) for just one full day ? My physic homework is staring at me but I am so sleepy and it is already 1.00 am so I will just go to sleep.

I was actually planning to write a more meaningful post today but I guess anger got over me. What happen today actually got me thinking so many things and overall made me feel guilty for being such a bitch to some people. So right now, honestly right from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry to those who I offended. (Not including those who deserve it, those people deserves it. ) I'm just sorry.

This is a very good short animation film. Check it out ! It left tears in my eyes.

I'll end here before I just bored you even more.

Another day in a boring school. Gah.

It is actually 1.00 am right now which kinda saddens me because I wasted almost my whole night doing my Chinese homework. TWO SUMMARY IN A NIGHT ! I am kinda impressed with myself but frankly I think I will probably end up with like 3 out of 10 marks.

School today was fun and boring at the same time I guess. For the whole day, no teachers came in class and when some did, they ended up not teaching so whooopeeedooo for that ! I spend my time before recess, doing my add maths homework which in the end didn't at all discuss in tuition at all. Ughh wut. Then after recess, memories is kinda blur right now cause I am pretty sleepy right now but but but I remember some of my friends and I went to Explorer and ended up getting chase out by the teacher then my friend lied to us saying some fierce teacher was in class. We went hiding around and didn't went back to class till someone told us no one was in class. That liar ! I guess school is okay. Still tolerable ???

Anyway, I have 2 hours of physics class tomorrow in school so kill me now please. I am suppose to be working out now but obviously I am out of time and I cannot lose anymore sleep so maybe just a few crunches ? I don't know anymore. fsd;lfk;lsf

LEGEND OF KORRA BOOK 2 is finally out ! DID I MENTION THAT ?!? When I saw it, I was literally jumping in joy because finally ! I think the fans waited for a year plus ? I don't really start counting down until it was like 7 days away from the day. I am so so excited on what the writers are going write about and crosses finger, hoping they won't screw the storyline up. Episode 1 of Legend of Korra didn't disappoint me but it didn't satisfy me at the same time because first of all, I WANT MORE EPISODES & WAITING FOR A WEEK IS DREADFUL, and second, I didn't like how reckless Korra was. It is her personality but I thought maybe after the whole Amon thing, she wouldn't be so reckless anymore ? But hey, it is just my opinion, the season haven't end yet so I should just see how they are going to write about it.

Just recently, I read the mortal instrument series. I read the first book like beginning of the year I think and I kinda stop after the first book because I had this whole vibe going on about how I am so so so lazy to pick a book up to read even though there is like 52 more books waiting for me to read finish so yeah. I finished the second book last month and the storyline is interesting if you are into this kind of fantasy kind of stuff. I am so not into book series this few months because the next book usually takes like 2 years to release and by the time I buy the book, I forgotten the storyline from the previous book so it kinda irritates me how I have to re-read the books again. I am just taking the Mortal Instruments series slowly because I don't know when will the next book be coming out (Maybe they ended already ? I don't know. I need to check with Lora ). So we'll see. We'll see.

October is going to be a busy month for me because final year exams ( which I haven't even started studying yet. So screwed. ) and Form 4 is such a stress year because there is so much things to memorise and study and right now I am saluting all those Form 5 that got straights A or just 5 A's because I can't do that AND I AM ONLY IN FORM 4. HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE FORM 5 ?!

I will stop here because I used actually 30 minutes on this post and i need go pack my things and be sad about school tomorrow. Night !

Hey. What's up ?!

So I haven't been blogging since forever and just looking at Samantha's blog (which is pretty cool) , I kinda got this feel to start blogging again. Obviously my last attempt at a blog fail horribly and so I started a new one, with new URL and new templates and more meaningful posts I guess. What I am planning is maybe just blog about stuff I read or watch or whatever that comes to my mind. It won't be plainly me complaining about life in my previous blog. I am actually trying to be more outgoing and trying to break out from this shell of mine so maybe this will help me ?? Yea, so cheers to the first post of this new blog and maybe wish me luck ?