A bit of honesty and getting up in my feelings

I realised that I spend many of my times being bitter about other things, about another people's life. I always think to myself that I am not living the best life I could live in. But somehow, I blame it on myself, not on another people.

To have this kind of thinking, is so toxic to someone. It eats you up inside, chew your self-esteem and spit it out like it was worth nothing. The mind is a dangerous place.

I am trying so hard to stay optimistic and try to not think about all the negative thinking but it is hard.When you are so consume by negativity for so long, it is pretty hard to isolate it away from you anymore.

Besides that, social media is a nightmare. As if negative thoughts aren't enough, I have snapchat to remind myself of what my mind is doing to me. People are out there having the time of their life, being smart and I am stuck here, doing nothing with my life.

I have this constant fear that I am pissing people off. It was there and it got worse when my friend told me that the things that I say is hurtful. The problem is that I don't talk much anymore, compare to previously. With the stress of college, I cut down on the words I speak of and I don't understand, I am not the only person who says hurtful things. Heck, in the group, we usually joke around about things. I would think that they know me well enough to know that I am just joking about stuff. It is scary, knowing that people are talking behind your back. Especially now, with her words out, I am more cautious about the way I speak and what I speak of. She said that she doesn't want me to shut down but don't she know that that is exactly what people will do after hearing this sort of things? It is fine, I tell myself. I think I somewhat acknowledge that when in a group with my close friend (who I shall not name), I am always last choice. It happened once, it happened again.  Many of my old friends when ask, said that they know me, and they know I am joking. Maybe it is my own personal problem and to be honest, I am trying. I am really trying. Sometimes, I just feel like it is only me. Like in every case, I most of the times gets the short end of the stick in a friendship.

I decided on a university course but I have this constant nagging fear that it is not going to go according to plan. That my life will not like how I dream it will be and I am so afraid. So so afraid. I don't have the chance to go overseas, means I don't have the chances that people who do get. This is frightening. The idea that a simple thing like that can just change the course of my whole life.

There is so many things I want to do but life deemed me to decide on just one option. What if it is the wrong one?

Many things I learned in 2015, that doesn't mean I am applying the advice and life lessons. I am trying to talk my own advice but that is hard. It is easy to give people life lessons and advice but it is far harder to take it up on your own.

Here's to a better 2016. I really do hope for a bit of luck and a change.