Everything goes wrong, nothing goes right.

I am not one to talk about how depressing my life is on this blog.  I usually find it hard to talk to people about it due to fact that I spent too much of their time on my problems so usually I just don't. I do tell people. Just not as often as I am depressed. 

I am not fine. I don't think I can ever tell myself that anymore. Things in college is actually even worse than it is in high school. And to think I actually succeeded in staying away from Twitter which was making me depressed in the past. 

You know how when you are sad about something. People tend to say cheer up and don't worry about it and things will get better, either way, it is not instantly you will feel better after that particular line. Depressing thoughts is not something I can wish away. Well, I can. But it is not as easy as everyone think it is. " stop overthinking about things. " they said. I wish I could. I really do. It is just that i try but somehow it comes back even worse. It sounds like an excuse right now. In fact, in my mind, it is an excuse for myself to not be happy anymore. 

I don't deserve happiness. I don't think I do. I am actually a horrible person. I tend to be competitive, I always have too much anger in me and I have absolutely very little patience. Sometimes I wonder to myself, maybe that is why I am not lucky at all. 

I am suffering in college. I feel alone constantly all of the time. Let's be honest here. I like being alone, I just don't like feeling alone. You get me ? Long story short, my social life is not exactly at the best right now. I have friends. I do. But they have another group of friends. Hence , the whole alone thing. Someone once told me that it is just you don't clicked with them that well, until you find one that you do, things will be better. I don't know about that anymore. And the syllabus, is actually killing me. I feel more stupid than usual and I am just so lost. What do I do after college? What do I start with my studies ? I feel like just dropping out and becoming a waitress or something, but by doing this, I am disappointing my parents. I really don't want to disappoint my parents. 

The dreams I had as a kid seem like a distant dream right now. Nothing is as simple as I thought it would be. College life was not what I expected it to be. But hey I guess high expectation leads to huge disappointments in life, don't they ? 

I just want things to change. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Yes, I know change starts with myself but I think I tried. Yet, things somehow is not working out. I need a break. I need a memory wipe. I need a lot of things that I don't deserve to have. I just need a break to stay away from everything, social network and etc. 

This is a sudden depressing blog post I know, and I sincerely apologize for it. I really don't want to wrote this kind of post but I just some place to rant, I guess. I am really sorry. 

I will try. I honestly will try again. It is just sometimes you just need some place to rant. I stop here before things get too depressing for a blog post. 

Good night, and hopefully the next time I post something, my mood overall would be better. 👋