It has been long since I have written. It seems that I have waited till 2017 to finally type a new post out.
I had lost passion for a lot of things. From my books to writing to all my favourite characters that I know inside out to dancing Ballet. I fall apart and tried to attached myself back again. But again and again I failed.
When it comes to a new year, I often tell myself it was time to reinvent myself, it was time to be a better me. But somehow, it doesn't really end well. This is such a common post of insecurity and self-pity in my blog but somehow I felt the urge to write this.
2016 was a big blur of confusion for me. I lost myself and found myself and lost myself yet again. I ended the year, leaving a huge hole in my head. A hole wishing I was better for myself and for everyone.
Beginning of 2016, I told myself that I would try to let people's influence shape who I am. I would not change who I am in order to satisfy what people want from me. In reality, I think I manage to do that with my university friends. I found myself being less stress about doing something just for the sake of getting recognition from peers. I found myself then. I met friends that I could appreciate and I learned to cherish friends who were always there for me. I learned to let go of expectation from people who don't give a damn about me. I have done my part to tried to maintain a friendship with you but if you don't give a damn, how else could I proceed any further? That is a lesson I would take with me for 2017.
I realised that sometimes we give more than we take. We expect the equal treatment we give people and I somehow get disappointed when it doesn't happen for me. I tell myself that is not how it works. We should do things for people and not expect the same in return because this is not what helping is about. But I somehow find it so hard to accept that, and it is the same for me now.
Goals seem like just a word for me. I had lost all confidence in being able to achieve my dreams. I look at myself in the mirror and often find myself thinking to myself. "Why is this pathetic piece of shit looking back at me?" I am not good enough, and I am not deserving of anything. This is something I have come to terms. And it is unhealthy, I know. And it is something I will need to conquer during 2017.
We are all broken inside, and only some of us can climb out. I missed being undeniably happy. I missed the simpler times, but unfortunately we can't turn back. We could only move forward.
I hope I have enough strength to move forward.
“What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
